No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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