For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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