i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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