why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
