The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
