My brain says no but my pants say off.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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