You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
