Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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