if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
