The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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