just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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