I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Are we still banned from the library?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
