Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
