I showed him my bush... on skype.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
