You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
