yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
