once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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