I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
