my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I wear drunk well.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
