Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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