I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
