A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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