so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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