It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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