There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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