I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
