i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
