ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
