If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
