I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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