I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize