I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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