I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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