she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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