it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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