i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
