She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
