Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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