and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
