RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
