If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
