happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
