He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
