Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
