I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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