And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
