I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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