Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
