My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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