i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
