Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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