Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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