Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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