This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
