Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize