I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
