nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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