I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
