Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
