be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
