I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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