Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
