I wish I could teleport
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
