So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
