youre lurking in front of me
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
