I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
