I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
