Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize