she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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