I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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