Your tits are I can't wait for
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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