Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
